Unlocking the Mystery of Communication with Your Spouse
In order to have a successful relationship or marriage, you must communicate. Relationships are all about communication. Your vision for your marriage is shared through communication. I want you to have the keys to unlocking the mystery of communication with your spouse.
Satan wants nothing more than to divide men and women, and he tries to come between them through miscommunication.
It might not surprise you that men and women communicate differently. Women want to share things, give insight, and give ideas because they see in detail. When a wife suggests things to her husband, he can take that as criticism. Men see the facts and like to problem solve, and women may get offended if they feel their husband isn’t listening to them. God gave both the husband and wife different giftings that are necessary to get to the destination that God has for them.
You must understand that we (men and women) are on the same team. Together, we need each other. We need to be able to communicate so that we can have success together. This is why you need to unlock the mystery of how to communicate in your marriage.
The enemy is so afraid that you are going to learn how to communicate in your marriage and stay unified. There is incredible power in a unified marriage! Be wise to Satan’s schemes.
1. Remember, It Starts with Your Words.
“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” Proverbs 18:21 (NIV).
Your words have power. Life and death are in the power of the tongue! The Amplified version of Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.” We will be held responsible for our words. Commit today to speak only good words that encourage the best in people. Commit to speaking LIFE.
2. Recognize That Communication Is Crucial.
Communication is a vital key to a successful relationship with your spouse. It is imperative for husbands and wives to be open and honest about their needs and wants.
Critical, judgmental words shut down communication. Oftentimes, couples begin their relationships with open communication, but a lack of understanding brings hurt and communication breakdowns, and they allow unforgiveness and bitterness to take over.
In order to have a healthy marriage, no corrupt communication should come out of your mouth. Anything evil, unwholesome, or critical is destructive. Only that which is beneficial to the spiritual progress of others is what we should speak.
You must eliminate the words:
“You never…” (do it right).
“You always…” (do that; you always forget).
“You ought to…” (do this).
“You have to….”
When you use words like these, you actually drive your spouse away from what you want them to do. Accusative words cause resentment!
If a wife forces her husband to talk to her or criticizes his comments, it may cause her husband to go into a shell. A husband who criticizes his wife (especially if it’s her looks or abilities as a woman) deeply wounds her spirit and causes her to have feelings of great rejection. If your spouse is critical of you, it is because he/she feels insecure. Your understanding and love can stop the self-hatred that causes an inability for the other person to love others. Return criticism with a kind answer.
3. Deal with Anger in Your Marriage.
Anger is not intended to be used against people. We were given the emotion of anger to come against evil. You can love and value a person and at the same time dislike their actions. Separate the offender from the offense.
If you find yourself angry with your spouse, ask yourself, “Why is this upsetting me?” Oftentimes, our reactions are motivated by selfishness. Before you say anything, ask yourself, “Is this kind?” Hold your tongue until you get in control of your emotions. If you are able to control your tongue, you can control every area of your life. Pray and get control over your mind. Second Corinthians 10:5 (NIV) says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Cast down any thought that doesn’t line up with God’s Word.
Remember, most conflict and communication issues can be resolved if either person is willing to let down his or her guard enough to say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.”
You cannot allow strife in your marriage. It’s a trap that opens the door to Satan. You keep the door shut to Satan through communication, love, and connection. When there is conflict, it’s okay to separate and pray. When you aren’t able to talk it out, pray it out.
If the husband and wife will come into agreement, there is exponential power. The mystery of marriage is that when you pray, seek God, and put Him first; when you talk with each other and communicate; and when you work together and go after a vision as a couple, the enemy cannot stop you. Nothing is able to stop the power of your prayer.
4. Stop the Unsuccessful Ways of Communication.
There are a few common ways that men and women communicate in marriages that are unsuccessful and typically breed resentment.
A. Always surrendering
When a husband or wife always surrenders to the other person, they go along with whatever the other person is saying. They might respond to a question with “I don’t care” but then might be faced with another option and say, “Well, maybe not that” or “Whatever you want.”
If you have a habit of always surrendering to what your spouse wants, you need to communicate it. If you want something, express it. Don’t just expect them to figure it out. As women, sometimes our expectations from our husbands are too high. We expect them to read between the lines and pick up cues from us as to what we truly want, but men just weren’t built that way.
Sometimes guys don’t share what they would like, but this causes them to harbor resentment if they bury their feelings. If you are in the habit of continually surrendering, you’re not causing the other person to grow by them getting their way all the time.
Make the effort to hear the other person. Be like Jesus.
B. Withdrawing from conflict
In a marriage, the husband will sometimes withdraw in conflict because they don’t want to get into a fight. Husbands, I want to encourage you to stay with it. Women want you to talk to them; and if you withdraw, you are harboring resentment because the conversation is happening in your head.
Another issue is giving your spouse the silent treatment. When you withdraw and give your spouse the silent treatment, they feel abandoned and rejected, which causes them to become more rebellious and lash out. You must learn how to communicate.
C. Fighting
In a fight, the fighter has to win. They have to prove that they are right, no matter what, and may bulldoze whomever is in their way just to win the argument. If you are married to a fighter, you have to learn to really listen to them and to be patient. If you are a fighter in your marriage, you need to learn how to ask a question and be quiet, patient, and wait for an answer. When you continue to talk, the other person has NO opportunity to give you an answer. You need to prove to them that you are willing to listen.
Effective communication is important! We cannot walk hand in hand and see eye to eye if we don’t have heart to heart communication. Effective communication is so crucial to everything and is the lifeblood of your marriage. Your success in your marriage is in direct proportion to your ability to communicate and to communicate well. You must understand communication from your spouse’s perspective. Life goes so much better when you learn the language of how they communicate.
5. Realize It Takes Time.
We can only truly love others if we love God and accept His love for us. When we accept God’s love for us, we are able to love others as we love ourselves because God loves us. You must appreciate the way your spouse communicates love, as they may not communicate feelings the same way you do. Try to understand your spouse’s feelings by putting yourself in his or her shoes. Everyone brings fears, insecurities, and family behaviors into their marriage. As trust grows, we are more willing to risk being open with our spouses.
It takes time, trust, and openness to have real communication with each other.
In the Garden of Eden, the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25). Sharing our feelings and who we really are requires unconditional love from both the husband and wife.
You must learn to really listen to your spouse and to make your husband or wife your top priority. Men sometimes have a harder time sharing their feelings. Share not only facts but also feelings and needs, because trust must be built, and it takes time.
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God wants you to have a happy and successful marriage! When you learn to communicate, you become unified. For more on how to experience the blessing of marriage that God has given us, read my blog God Wants You to Have a Happy Marriage HERE.
